Dear Jocelyn
(Advice Column For Goats By Goats)

Dear Jocelyn,

What kind of stations do you listen to on your barn radio?

On the air in Arlington

Dear On the air,

The radio at our barn is part of our predator control. My owner has it turned to the "oldies" most of the time although I like country and classical too. once in a while someone tunes the radio to one of the heavy metal stations which makes me very nervous although some of the young does like it. I am content with the stations that my owner likes because if she likes the music, she spends more time with us.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

One of the does in my herd just got back from one of those "pageants." She won one of those oversized ribbons and now that is all we hear about. You can only take so much of how she looked so great, how everyone clapped, how she had her picture taken, how everyone made a fuss, yada, yada, yada. We are all really getting tired of the whole thing. Even my owner is treating her special. We would like to take that ribbon and shove it right down her throat. Maybe then she would shut up. I just don't know what the big deal is. Who died and made her queen?

Fed Up in Philomath

Dear Fed Up,

I can understand how this "diva" is getting on your nerves. At the pageants, the judge gives out the big ribbons to the goats that he/she likes the best. But it is just one human's opinion. The goats don't get to vote. A lot of goats and most of the humans that go to these pageants take these ribbons very seriously. And it is an honor for both the goat and the owner even though it is a human that is picking out "the best goat." Try not to let her bother you and your herdmates too much. Soon there will be another pageant and another goat will get the big ribbons and be queen. And it won't be that long until everyone has forgotten all about "her" pageant.

Jocelyn

 Dear Jocelyn,

I am an eight-month old buck. And I think I am pretty cool. Besides being able to pee on both front legs, I can snort as well as the older guys. The girls line up along the fence. And I can tell they want me. I even heard one of them call me "stud muffin." My problem is that when one of the girls is feeling romantic, my owner carts her off to the older buck that lives on the other side of the barn. Like I don't know what is going on. I think I am as capable as any buck. So why don't I get a chance at the girls?

Give Me A Chance in Gervais

Dear Give Me A Chance,

I can understand how frustrating things can be for you. From a doe's prospective, young bucks are really appealing. I think because they are not so big and over-bearing as the adult bucks. But look at things from your owner's prospective. That older guy on your farm has kids on the ground. And obviously your owner likes them and wants more. You are still an unknown quantity. Your owner has no idea what kind of kids you will produce. And neither the does or the bucks on your farm get to really choose their mates. Your owner does. I am sure that you will get a chance to prove yourself. But don't expect to get all the girls. If your owner likes your kids, then expect more romantic interludes next year. In the meantime, try to be patient. It won't be long until you are the "older" buck getting most of the girls.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

My mom just got taken from our pasture and put in another pen on the other side of the barn. I suspect with a buck. I can hear her but not see her. I am only six months old and I feel so alone. We were really close and it is hard to adjust without her. What am I going to do now?

All Alone in Aurora

Dear All Alone,

I am sure that your mom won't be gone too long. She may be back in a week or two. But your relationship is going to change. In five months she will have your little brothers or sisters to take care of and you will have to be the big sister. Now is the time to make friends with some of the other young does. They are probably feeling just like you. You will need each other when your moms become moms again. Your life is changing. Probably sooner that you wanted. Even though your mom will be having some more kids in the spring, there will always be a special bond between you.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

Spring is here and that means the start of the show season. I have been dreading it all winter. I know that some of the goats on my farm "just live" to go to the pageants. But I just hate it. I hate the long rides in the cramped plastic boxes. I hate being cooped up in a pen with goats I don't always like when I could be out browsing m the pasture. I hate people staring at me and having to mind on the end of a leash like some dog. I hate not getting enough rest because the lights are left on late at night in the show barn and it is too noisy to get a nap during the day in the barn. My owner tells me I am sooo pretty. But none of the judges seem to think so and I never win any of those "oversized" ribbons that my owner wants so badly. How can I make my owner understand that I just do not want to do those awful pageants? I love my home. I love my owner. I just don't want to be put on exhibition.

Leave Me At Home in Hubbard

Dear Leave Me At Home,

Personally I think that pageants are great. I loved going to new places, meeting new goats, and renewing old friendships. When I was in the show ring, I loved looking my best. There was an electricity in the air when the judge made the final decision. But not everyone feels that way. Not everyone is cut out to enjoy the pageants. But your owner must take you for a reason. And owners take goats to the pageants for different reasons. Some just for their goats to win prizes. Others go for the social outing with other owners. Your owner may take you because you are what she/he likes even though the judges may not agree. Or your owner may take you because she/he doesn't have a large herd. And anyone in show shape goes to the pageants.

You might try thinking of going to the pageants as your job. I know it is not what you personally would like to do. But your owner gives you a very nice life. It sounds like you have plenty of care, food, and a nice place to live. In return you are asked to go to a few pageants. Even though you might not like going, think of it as a small price to pay for the care and love your owner gives you. It could be much worse. You could have a life where no one cared about you. And you would be staying home in a very sad place. While you might much rather be at home, you can give up a few days to make your owner happy. And if it is any consolation, show careers don't last forever. Even those goats that really like to go to the pageants, eventually have to stay at home. Good luck with this year's show season. And hopefully you can find a way to make it through.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

My first kids were born just about a week ago - a gorgeous set of twins. They are without a doubt the cutest, smartest, and most adorable babies on the farm - maybe even the whole world. But I am exhausted. I didn't realize how all consuming kids could be. I have had very little sleep sine they were born. My day is taken up with constant watching, care, and feeding. I am terribly worried about the kids getting hurt by one of the other does or their kids or even getting lost. At first the kids stayed with me pretty well when they weren't napping. But the older they get, the more they want to be out on their own without me. I am getting hoarse from calling to them. They were coming back to me when I signaled time to eat. But that does not always work now. My owner gives us a private pen at night which is a life-saver. But I know that won't last forever. I am a nervous wreck. What am I going to do?

Tired Mommy in Monmouth

Dear Tired Mommy,

Motherhood is a demanding job. But you may be taking it too seriously. Some of the does at my farm do the same thing. We call it "postpartum preoccupation with the kids". You feel like you have to be there 24/7 attending to their every need. But it is OK to relax a little especially now that they have made it through the first week.

One of their strongest attachments to you is for food. But as they get older, they eat more each time and need to be fed less often. So playing the "food card" doesn't work as well. Once they get their tummies full, they will want to go play. Playing, running, and climbing are ways that your kids develop and get stronger. And it is OK for them to play with the other kids especially those that are not too much older. And believe me if something goes wrong, they will let you know. You can watch from a safe distance. And they will always come back to you when they get hungry.

Have your owner make sure that the other does in the pasture are "kid friendly". That way you will not have to worry about them so much. Most does are pretty tolerant of kids as long as they don't try to nurse. That is a definite "no no". Also have your owner check to make sure that the pasture itself is safe and there are no dangers for the kids. That way you won't have to worry as much when they are off playing kid games or letting their curiosity get the best of them. Your kids are lucky to have such an involved mom. But they will need some freedom to find out things for themselves and learn how to get by in the world.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I am a yearling (almost a yearling) buck, good looking with a pretty impressive pedigree. I moved into my present home last summer. And I love it. The food is great, the pasture is spacious, and I had lots of does visit my pasture last fall. But lately I heard my owner talking about my kids that are due soon. I was not really concerned about kids. My job is more in the "making kids department" not the caring for them. My owner is expecting my kids to be really great. I have a horrible feeling that if the kids have any problems that I will get the blame. And I may lose my wonderful home or worse (gulp). Surely my owner must realize that I cannot do it all. Some of those does were not exactly "show material". I am willing to take half of the responsibility. But I think that my owner is going to expect me to shoulder more than that. The pressure is huge. Can't they understand that I am doing the best I can with what I have available?

Stressed Out in Sandy

Dear Stressed Out,

Some owners do not realize that the buck and the doe have equal influence on the kids. The good stuff and the bad stuff usually comes from both parents. They seem to think the buck has more influence. You're not the only one that thinks this is unfair. How do you think us does feel when we strut out our perfect little darlings and the owners give the buck all the credit? We don't think it is fair either. And when they talk about a pedigree, they always talk about the buck's lineage not the doe's. However, they never seem to blame us as much for those "less than perfect" kids. So in the end, the buck seems to get the glory if the kids are great and the blame if they are not.

I am sure that your owner is hoping that your genetics blend well with the genetics of the does on your farm. Your owner bought you to do more than look good in the pasture. And your owner also researched how well your genetics and physical attributes will fit into what the herd needs. So you probably have nothing to worry about. If the kids come out better than their mothers, then you have done your job. You just cannot ask more of a buck. And some of those girls that are "less than show material" may have some dynamite genetics when combined with yours. You just never know. And you really don't know what your owner wants in kids. So this spring when the girls at your farm strut out their new kids, give a not or a smile for their efforts. After all, you are supplying 50% of the genetics but they are supplying 50% of the genetics plus 100% of the care.

Good luck. And let me know how those kids turn out.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

My owner is new to Pygmy goats. But she is really getting into them. She is looking for all kinds of Pygmy goat things to buy. Problem is that she doesn't know where to start. I know that you have published a "gift list" for goats and are really into the best places to shop. Do you know some places that she can load up on Pygmy goat paraphernalia?

Not a Shopper in Newburg

Dear Not a Shopper,

Lots of owners just love to collect Pygmy goat things for in the house and even at the barn. They cannot seem to get enough of them and they can be hard to find. Sometimes I think it would be just easier to bring us in the house to remind them how precious we are. The following are a few places that have some top-notch collectibles.

NPGA website: Go to www.npga-pygmy.com for a variety of Pygmy goat stuff. Your owner can order shirts, books, hats, and even the on-line herdbook. If she gets the on-line herdbook be sure to get the password so you can spy on the pedigrees of the other goats at the shows.

Pygmy Potpourri: Pat Showalter has lots of stuff from goat milk soaps to wonderful drawings & note cards of beautiful Pygmy goats. She even has a gestation calendar which your owner can use to know when the new kids will arrive. The address is 17317 Fales Rd, Snohomish, WA 98290-0543, Phone number is 360-668-4559 and e-mail is KinderZed@aol.com.

Wheatland Hills: www.wheatlandhills.com is run by Stephanie Jeney. She has some really cute clips to hold show numbers and even some Christmas stuff that has goats. Of course they are not all Pygmies but the goats are pretty cute anyway.

Wood & Stream Creations: Their address is www.goatgifts.com and they have gobs of goat things. Of course you have to sift through them to find the really cute ones that look like Pygmies.

These places should help get her started. You are lucky that your owner wants to get so involved. Now while she is looking for things for her collection she can go to www.toysrus.com for some awesome goat play equipment.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I am a two-year old doe that has never had kids. I am somewhat shy and new things do tend to scare me. But I have been to some shows and I am trying to be more outgoing. The problem is that my owner tried to breed me last fall and I just couldn't handle the situation. I am sure that the buck my owner picked out for me was very well-bred but he was the most disgusting creature that I have ever seen. Even though I have seen the bucks at shows, I was not prepared for his snorting, aggressive chasing, blubbering, and disgusting habits. I was not in heat when I was put in his pasture but he chased me until I was sick non the less. I thought I was going to vomit. Even when I was feeling more romantic, I couldn't stand to have him near me. What am I going to do this fall? I want to be a mom but there just has to be a better way.

Old Maid in Oregon City

Dear Old Maid,

I will agree with you that some of the bucks are pretty over the top. They only think about one thing 24/7 and are big and strong enough to over power most does. Some girls really like these big aggressive guys and love to hang out with them. But they are not for everyone. Obviously you need to find a buck more to your discriminating tastes. Your owner may want to consider a younger buck for you. Someone that is under a year of age. While young bucks lack experience, they are smaller and not so intimidating. Some of their habits are just as disgusting but at least you will be bigger and stronger than him. If a younger buck is not available, then perhaps your owner could select a buck that is able to put a little more romance into your stay. Those kind of guys do exist and can make that trip to the buck pasture that much more pleasurable.

It also helps to have at least one other doe that you know in the pasture with you. That way you are not the only focus of his attention. And it will give you someone to cuddle up with at night if you don't feel like cuddling with him. It can be pretty frightening going one-on-one with a "freight train".

Good luck on finding the man of your dreams. And don't give up. There is someone out there that will appeal to you. Sometimes you have to "kiss a few frogs".

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I just love summer. The days are long and warm and it hardly ever rains. But towards the end of summer, my owner always seems to take us to two or three fairs. The time at some of these fairs seems endless. We get bored, grumpy, and testy with each other. Any hints on surviving another "fair season"?

No Fair in Newport

Dear No Fair,

I know what you mean. Fairs can be soooo boring and a little upsetting. A few days in a small pen putting up with all the oglers, noise, and hands trying to touch you is enough to put anyone in a bad mood. But there are a few things that will help get you through. Plan you day around the "fair schedule" not your schedule. You need to get out of those pens once in a while. And the best time to do that is early in the day. That way you avoid the crush of people, those little carts that human push their "kids" in, and the endless stream of hands that want to touch. Go out for a walk and cruise the fair early in the day, before noon. People watching is best done between noon and about 4 PM. That is when most of the crowds are in the barns. And try to remember that many of the people that are asking the "silly" questions have never seen a goat of any kind. And since Pygmies are so endearing, most the crowds in the goat barn will be around them. If you get really tired of all the questions about our "natural pear-shape", have your owner make some signs.

Fairs are noisy. The music, strange animal noises, and the all the human chatter can get on your nerves. If you have a radio in your barn at home, have your owner bring your "tunes" to the fair. Having the radio play your favorites helps drown out all that fair noise and makes it seem a little more like home. And urge your owner to get the maximum number of pens for your group. Nothing gets on my nerves worse than being crowded up in a pen and not able to escape to a quiet comer. Most fair pens can be broken down to make a larger one out of the smaller ones. Have your owner bring something to sit on. If nothing else, a bale of straw will provide some entertainment especially for the kids.

Fair food can get really dull after a while. Your owner should bring some treats from home like leaves or boughs. And two or three different kinds of hay will keep the interest at mealtime. And remember that since you are just sitting around most of the day reading a good book, playing Pinochle, or people watching that you don't need as much grain or concentrate. You will be more likely to eat your hay and browse if you don't fill up on the fattening stuff.

Think of the fair as a catered event where everyone comes to admire you.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I am a 13 month old Pygmy doe. I did my first show at the County Fair last summer and won reserve champion. When my owner purchased me a year ago, the breeder asked her not to breed me until I am 18 months old. I think my owner is eager to breed me sooner than that. At what age am I ready to be bred and have a kid? I think my owner wants to do this during the late spring or early summer but I would not be 18 months old yet. I am very healthy and the judge at fair said I was a great goat. Can you help me? I want to be a mom!!

Anxious in Albany

Dear Anxious,

Lots of girls get anxious about being a mom around your age. But there are a lot of factors to take into consideration. Not the least of which is a show career. While some girls can just pack up the kids, head to the nearest show, and look great nursing, many find that they need some serious down time after having kids. You can expect it will take 4 or more months to get back into shape after having kids. So if you are planning on continuing your show career, you may want to have the kids during the winter months when there are not many shows.

Another consideration for that first set of kids is your maturity. Some girls mature very early and are big enough and mature enough shortly after their first birthday. Slower maturing girls should wait until near their second birthday to have that first set of kids. I know my owner waited until I was a little older. I was a very small, immature yearling. I really got tired of the "short jokes". Your owner should find out why your breeder wanted to wait until 18 months of age for you to be bred. It may be that your line is slower maturing and needs to be a little older when they are bred for the first time. You don't want to rush things if your body is not ready.

Motherhood is a big undertaking. And it does take a toll on your body. So consider all the options. Motherhood is a great experience but it is also a lot of work and responsibility. Good luck. I know you will make a great mom.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I am a yearling doe with owners that take us to lots of "pageants". This year the whole farm, especially my owners, are all taking and getting excited about something called a "convention" in some place called "Idaho". None of my herdmates seem to know exactly what this is, but they all seem to be getting excited about it. Even the goats that have won enough "pageants' that they don't go to them any more are talking about going. Some of the girls are having their hooves done every month. Our owners are worried about us scratching on things so everyone is getting brushed more often and I am afraid that they are going to remove even the toys if we rub on them. I think that the bucks are working out almost every day to build up their muscles. So I am pretty sure that this is something "big". Exactly what is this "convention" and what is everyone getting so excited about? I love to go to the "pageants" so if this is anything like them, I know I want to definitely go.

Dreaming of Idaho in Dayton

Dear Dreaming of Idaho,

I am not exactly sure of all the details. But as I understand it, this convention is like a "super pageant" that the owners have each year. And they plan it in different parts of the country so all the owners have a chance to have it in their area. One of the older does in my herd remembers when a "convention" was last in our area. She was a yearling then so it must have been eight years or so ago. Breeders and their goats from all over the area and some from far away came. They had meetings, dinners, and pageants. And at the "convention" there is a special pageant for those of us that have won lots of ribbons to decide who is the very best Pygmy goat in the universe. Being the best buck, doe or wether in the universe makes the owners even happier than getting one of those really big ribbons at one of the regular pageants. It is the thrill of a lifetime for the owner and goat alike.

If your owners are planning on going to "convention", then chances are you might be able to go too. Since all the owners only want to take their best goats to show off, you must be sure and look your best. That means not scratching off that winter coat even though you really want to, getting lots of exercise and browse, eating the best diet possible, and not complaining if your owners want to groom you more often. You might even have to have a bath. But it will be worth it. You may not have this opportunity again so go for it if you have the chance.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I am a yearling doe. I live on a pretty nice farm as best as I can tell. All the goats are well taken care of and loved. My only complaint is about the meals. My favorite food is alfalfa hay. Once in a while it is on the menu but not often enough for my tastes. I could eat it every day. And there doesn't seem to be much grain either. I realize that alfalfa hay is more expensive than grass hay and that grain is an expense too. But I am sure that my owners can afford to feed more alfalfa and more grain. They just bought a new pick-up to take us to the shows. We are thinking of staging a hunger strike in protest.

Wanting More in Mollala

Dear Wanting More,

I know what you mean about alfalfa hay. I really love it too. Especially the really good kind that is almost all leaves with very few stems. But eating too much alfalfa is likely to cause weight problems and sometimes arthritis. I know I really have to watch how much I eat if I want to stay trim. So your owners may be doing you a favor so you don't give in to temptation and eat too much. And grain can also put on those extra pounds. Not to mention digestive problems if you eat too much. It sounds like you don't have a lot of self-control when it comes to favorite foods. You are lucky your owners care enough to just say "no".

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I am a brown agouti. I really didn't think much about color until I overheard a couple of the does at the last show. They were whispering about how hard it is for a "brown" goat to do well in the show ring. Now I am worried. Do you think that color does make a difference?

Proud to be Brown in Beaverton

Dear Proud to be Brown,

My granddaughter is brown. And so I know that some judges are not as fond of the color as others. But the same is true of the other colors. Judges just cannot help themselves. Most favor one color over another. And there are not as many brown goats as other colors. So you will not see as many in the champion line-ups. And I think that goats have color preferences too when you get down to it. I know that I much prefer a grey guy over any other color. Do your own thing. Color may make a difference but there is nothing you can do about it. And I have heard that there are actually some judges that prefer brown.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

How do you get through the winters up here? I was born in "sunny" southern California and moved up here last summer. My friends back there warned me about the rain, cold, and short days. But I had no idea. How am I going to survive?

Needing a Tan in Tangent

Dear Needing a Tan,

I can see how our weather might be a shock to someone that was not born in a northern climate, but there are some good things about the winter that might make you appreciate it more.

It is not hot. I really have a hard time with the heat. And a lot of my herdmates do too. We are just not used to heat.

Foot trims are a breeze. Getting those hard, dry hooves trimmed can hurt. Walking on the moist ground keeps them softer and easier to trim. Be sure to stay out of the mud though.

No one is subjected to a bath. Once the weather turns cool, even the boys escape a bath. I will take the rain any day over a bath.

The food is great. Crispy, dry leaves fall daily from the trees. And there is always more than anyone can eat.

The storms bring the most delicious treats down into the pasture. When the wind blows, all kinds of goodies are blown into the pasture. One winter a whole fir tree blew down during a storm. It was a great toy to climb on that we could eat.

The flies and other biting insects are gone. I just hate any kind of insect. But flies are the worst. They are especially bad at shows and fairs. And you just never know what kind of horrible disease they carry.

Everyone looks great in their thick, luxurious winter coats. I know that I am more adorable with my fluffy winter coat on. And if the weather gets really cold, I am sooo darling with my fur puffed up.

So lay in a good supply of books to read. Learn how to knit. And realize that having seasons is a good thing. That first sunny spring day will seem so much more wonderful after our winter.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I am a member of a small herd of goats. Our lives have always been very orderly. The older doe in our group has been the leader. I am not exactly sure how that happened. It just seems like it had always been that way. She led our group into the pasture and decided when it was time to go to the barn. She made sure that everyone ate out of the right bowl and that no one got too pushy at the hay feeder. A week ago our "leader" was sold to a neighbor. Since then our group has been in chaos. We just sit around the barn all day because no one wants to lead us out into the pasture. Our members are grumpy with one another and steal from each other's bowls. My idyllic life has turned into a nightmare. Will things ever be the same again?

Rudderless in Renton

Dear Rudderless,

It is so easy to fall into a routine. And life is so much better if each day is like the others. This older doe made sure that everything from going out into the pasture to eating hay ran smoothly and her way. But now it is time to get on with things without her.. Someone will have to step forward and assume the leadership role. Most likely the next oldest or boldest in the group. In the meantime have your owner lead the group out into the pasture and watch to make sure that everyone is pleasant at mealtimes. Your group needs to get back to "normal". As soon as someone assumes the role of leader and a new routine is established, the chaos will end. Change is hard but sometimes better.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

What is your favorite food?

Gourmet Goat in Gresham

Dear Gourmet,

My absolute most favorite food is the poplar leaves that fall this time of year from the tree in my pasture. They are dry, crunchy, and to die for. I eat them like my owner would eat potato chips.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

My owners just purchased a new buck. And is he ever a hunk. All the girls are talking about him. He is not quite a year old but he is still all buck. I am really hoping to be able to spend some time in his pasture. My only concern is the rumors about his mother. I understand that he gets his good looks from "dad" and that "mom" is not exactly a "beauty queen". What are the chances that my kids could look like "grandma"?

Infatuated in Idaho

Dear Infatuated,

There is just something about those young bucks that makes them so darn attractive. It is hard to say how much of "grandma" will come out in your kids. A lot depends on how strong your genetics are and how well they might combine with his. But my experience has been that a lot of the grandparents come out in the kids. And remember that he is still very young. You might want to wait until he turns two years old. He may look a lot more like "mom" when he gets older. I am amazed at how many "knockout" young bucks just don't do a thing for me when they get older. God luck and I hope you make the right decision.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I wanted to write and thank you for suggesting that owners consider a companion for us bucks. I had been all alone in my pasture. But thanks to you, I now have a very sweet older woman to keep me company. She no longer has kids but is a great companion and steadying influence in my life. I am so much happier and more relaxed.

Living Large in Lake Oswego

Dear Living Large,

I am glad that things are looking up for you. Owners sometimes don't realize how lonesome bucks can get.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I am a stay at home mom. A couple of years ago I decided that I just could not handle the show circuit. All that grooming, traveling, parading, and posing was not for me. So I decided to stay home and become a full-time mom. My problem is with the girls who do go to the shows. I am so tired of them coming home waving their ribbons and acting like they are better than everyone else. Sometimes I could just cram those ribbons right down their throats.

Bummed Out in Beaverton

Dear Bummed Out,

Everyone wants to feel important. And sometimes stay-at-home moms don't get the recognition they deserve. But you made the decision to stay at home. Those girls that go to the pageants get visible rewards for their success. If you really wanted those things, you would have continued to go to the pageants. While the life-style you have chosen doesn't always reap such visible rewards, think about your accomplishments rather than being envious of their superficial ones. Remember that while they are crammed into crates, confined to pens, and posed endlessly for the judge, you are out in a pasture relaxing with your latest kids. Life really is good.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I am a yearling buck. I went to a couple of shows last year as a kid and they were really fun. I got trimmed up a little and paraded around. So when I heard that I was going again this year, I did not think I would mind. In fact I was looking forward to checking out all the cute new does. Well, a day or so before the show, my owner got me out and instead of a little trimming I got a bath. I mean I was soaked to the skin and scrubbed. I have no idea why. I thought I looked fine. Is this going to happen before every show? It will take me a month to get my fur back to the way it was not to mention how humiliating the whole thing was.

Dry-clean Only in Dallas

Dear Dry-clean Only,

For some unknown reason, humans do not like the way you guys smell and feel. So before they take you to a pageant, they try to get off all the odor and fluff up your fur. Don't ask me why. I have never figured it out. While we think that "musk" is very erotic, they find it offensive. Which seems strange because they use all sorts of foul smelling products on their bodies. Baths during the show season are something that you will just have to put up with. And while it is pretty humiliating, you are not going to change your owner's mind about needing one. Just try to put up with it the best you can. The show season will be over soon enough and you won't have to endure those "make-overs".

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

Two weeks ago I had quadruplets. Last year I had triplets but I had no idea how much more care was involved with four babies. Things went pretty well the first few days. But then it seemed like all the kids were hungry at once and they were running in four different directions when they weren't demanding food. When I try to feed them, they all push and shove to get some milk. My udder is empty all the time and they seem to be hungry all the time. And then yesterday my owner brought out a plastic container with a rubber "teat" on the end that had what looked like milk in it and fed it to two of the kids. I felt terrible that I could not feed them myself.

I have tried to eat more. But if I eat too much grain, my stomach feels sick. And the kids are so active that I don't have much time to eat hay or browse let alone time to ruminate. The little time I get while the kids are asleep is taken up with trying to eat more. I am tired all the time. And I am worried that what my owner is feeding them is not good for the kids. What am I going to do? I love my kids but I am getting worn down.

Worn Out in Willamina

Dear Worn Out, Having four babies to take care of all at once must be an overwhelming job. I have always had twins but I can imagine that four is more than twice the work. And you probably will not get much relief for a while. You are wise not to eat too much grain in the beginning. It can make you really sick and then you will have even less milk for the kids. Try to eat lots of nutritious browse and good quality hay and gradually increase the grain. And be sure to keep drinking lots of water.

No matter how much you eat, there is only going to be so much milk for the kids. Even though your owner may not be feeding the kids milk that is as good for them as yours, remember that it is still food. And if your kids will eat on a "rubber teat", they must be hungry. The extra food that your owner gives them may be enough to keep them from being thin or more susceptible to disease. So while you might feel bad about it, swallow your pride and be glad that your owner is helping out.

Get the kids on solid food as soon as possible. W hen your owner feeds you, make sure the kids sample the hay and grain. Make them wait until you are done eating before offering them any milk, even if they beg. Soon they will be joining you and not trying to nurse during your "dinner" time. Even though they are still pretty young, they can nibble on some fine-stemmed hay and grain. They will need to be a little more self sufficient than twin or single kids. Good luck with your "herd". It is a big job.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I am just a little baby buckling about 5 weeks old. My mother died when I was born and I am all by myself. I adopted the Lady Goatkeeper. She feeds me milk and plays with me. She even lets me sit in her lap at night and sleep while she watches the television. Oh, the house we live in is so nice and warm. During the day she brings me to this cold, damp, dark place. The only good thing about this place is there are lots of other goats and I do have fun playing with some of them.

My problem is this. The Goatkeeper Lady has to go away for a few days and the Goatkeeper Man is supposed to take care of me. And he doesn't seem to like me very much. Maybe because I get scared of the dark and can't help but cry when the Goalkeepers leave me and turn off the lights at night. Can you think of any really cute things I can do to make him warm up to me like run around and click my heels or something like that which isn't too difficult for a kid like me?

Please help. I am so afraid the Man Goatkeeper will make me go to the other goat place that is sooo cold while the Lady is gone.

Scared in Snohomish

Dear Scared,

You poor dear. It is really hard to make it by yourself. Fortunately, it sounds like you were able to adopt someone that is taking pretty good care of you. But baby goats learn a lot from their moms. And while the Lady Goatkeeper is making sure you get plenty to eat and have a safe, warm place to stay, there are a lot of things that you need to learn from the other goats since you don't have a mom to teach you. That cold, dark place that the Lady Goatkeeper takes you each day is the "barn". It is where all the other baby goats live with their moms. If your mom had not died, you would be living there too. I am sure that the barn seems harsh to you after staying in the "human" house. But you will find that the more time you spend at the barn the more friends you will make and the less scary the barn will seem. And your coat will grow thick enough to keep you nice and warm so you won't be so cold.

It sounds like you have to sleep alone at night in the human house (which is pretty scary). Even though it is also dark at night at the barn, there is always someone to talk to and sleep with so nights don't seem as lonely. And I bet the Goalkeepers also lock you up when they are gone. I am sure that they do not want you playing unsupervised in their house. Humans have all kinds of rules about what is done where in their houses which you will soon find out if you haven't already. But at the barn no one "yells" at you for making a mess and you can jump and play on anything you want anytime.

I am sure that the Man Goatkeeper thinks you are adorable. After all you are a baby goat. And baby goats, especially Pygmies, are irresistibly cute. He may realize more than the Lady Goalkeeper that it will not be long until you will need to spend most of your time at the barn. You have a lot to learn about being a goat and the barn is the best place to learn. And it won't be long until the weather is warmer and the barn won't seem as cold and dark. Goats (even baby goats) don't like change. And you are used to the human house. I am sure that it seems safe and warm. And going out to the barn must seem very scary. But you have to be brave about spending more time at the barn with the other goats. So if you have to spend more time at the barn while the Lady Goatkeeper is gone, try to think of it as camping out and a big adventure. It won't be long until you are bigger and the barn and pasture will seem like a big playground.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I am a doe just a little over a year old and have been going to goat shows since I was just 8 weeks old. And I just love them! Some of my friends don't feel the same way about these "pageants" (they think of them as just "flesh" shows), but I just love the fussing, traveling, and parading. At the shows my friends and I catch up on the latest gossip and check out the new "hunky" bucks. Last weekend I won what my owner called "the really big ribbon". I was so excited. Everyone was telling me how great I looked, taking my picture, and fussing. Then I found out that I won't be able to go again for almost a year. I was devastated. I can't stay home for a whole year! The thought of not getting out of the barn for that long is depressing. My friends are all getting ready for the next pageant. I want to go toooo.

Too Pretty in Portland

Dear Too Pretty,

Unfortunately humans have some pretty strict rules about our pageants. And one of them is you cannot win but one of those really big ribbons until you are what they consider an "adult". Staying home can be really depressing to someone that is used to the "show circuit". But your owner can still take you and show you in the showmanship classes. Granted this is pretty much a pageant for owners, but having a pretty, well-behaved goat to show in this class can be a real advantage for your owner. Winning may not have nearly the excitement as the regular pageant classes, but entering showmanship classes will get you out of the barn. You will still be fussed over, in fact, maybe even more brushing and preening. And you will get to go with your friends and keep up on all the gossip and latest developments.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I am a "grandma" goat. Last spring I had a beautiful set of twins but my owner is thinking about not breeding me again because I may be getting "too old". I sure don't feel old. I know you are a grandmother too. Are you planning on spring kids?

Great Grandma in Gresham

Dear Great Grandma,

Some owners don't understand what great moms older goats make. We have the most experience and patience to deal with kids. Humans don't think of "grandmas" as "moms". But in the goat world, "grandma" goats are just hitting their stride. I am five years old now and have had four sets of kids. But I am not about to quit having little ones - it keeps me young. Besides it is something that I think I can do better than a lot of the younger goats.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I am a four-month-old doe that has just moved to a new home. I have tried to adjust but I am miserable. I was sooo happy at my old home. I had my mom and lots of friends. I knew where to eat and who to stay away from. My friends and I played games in the pasture most of the day. At my new home, no one likes me. The goats my age won't let me join in their games. The older goats butt me out of the food. And at night there is no one to cuddle next to. I used to sleep next to my mom or my friends. I have tried to be nice to everyone at my new home. But it doesn't seem to do any good. I still don't have friends. Unless my new owner feeds me by myself, I just get the leftovers in the bottom of the feed pans. I am even a little scared of my new owner. I am sooo miserable. All I want to do is go back to my old home and have things be the way they used to be.

Left-Out in Lebanon

Dear Left-Out,

Changing homes is always a trauma. It is hard as an adult, but worse if you are a kid. It is too bad that your new owner did not have another goat your age to introduce into the herd with you. That would have given you a friend to hang out with until you both became more established in the herd. Goats are very herd and family oriented. You are not a member of this herd yet and you have no family here. It might help to have your new owner put you and one or more kids close to you age in a separate pasture for a while. That would help you all bond together without the interference of adult goats. It will be easier to make friends with these kids if you're all on your own. Then when you and your new friends are introduced back into the herd, you will be part of their group. Another alternative is to pick out one of the more maternal older does that does not have any kids with her. Sometimes one of these older does will befriend a newcomer like yourself. I know that you probably feel like you will never be happy again, but believe me, things will get better. As time goes by, this new herd will begin to accept you. Just continue to try to fit in and make new friends as you can.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

One of the older does on my farm just had a single kid. And she acts like her kid is so special that it should be treated differently than the other kids. None of the other mothers or kids are even allowed to go near it. She has butted my kids for just going over to see the little thing. And she screams constantly when the kid is out of her sight. We thought that she might calm down after a few days but the kid is two weeks old and she still follows it everywhere it goes. How long is she going to keep this up? Why is she being this way?

Tired-of-it-all in Toledo

Dear Tired-of-it-all,

It just seems to be a fact of life - the older you get, the more precious the little ones become. I am five now and just had my fourth set of kids. And believe me, they seem to be more special than any of the others. It is probably because older does don't really know if there will be any more little ones and they relish the ones they have. And with each succeeding set of kids, you realize how much trouble they can get into and want to protect them any harm that could befall them. Try to be understanding and be happy for her. I know that she is wearing on everyone's nerves but it won't be long until her kid is not a baby any more. She is just trying to do the very best (even if she has gone overboard) with perhaps her last kidding.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

The show season is upon us and I know that my owners are going to want to take my twin girls to some shows. I am not at all interested in going but I am very worried about sending them off by themselves. How old do you think they should be before it is save to send them without parental supervision? I hate to be an over protective mother but I am worried about them.

Doting Mom in Dayton

Dear Doting Mom in Dayton,

Going to a show can be a really scary adventure. Some kids will handle it better than others. It is probably safe to send them off for a one day show at about 8 weeks as long as it is not an overnighter. If they are going to be gone overnight or for a weekend, then they should be closer to 12 weeks. If the kids seem to be shy or afraid of new situations, then you might want to go with them to the show even though more adventurous kids are going by themselves. Having mom along does seem to make the show situation much less scary. But eventually they do have to go it alone. I plan on going to my daughter's first show even though she is old enough to go alone. I will feel better knowing what she is up to and she will feel better knowing that mom is there should she need her.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I have just had my first kid and am I ever miserable. Labor pain was excruciating. My butt is sore, my udder is swollen and painful to touch. I hurt all over. And I sure don't feel like taking care of a kid. No one told me it would be this bad. I really didn't want to pregnant in the first place and now I know why. My owners are insisting that I care for the kid. They were the ones that wanted it so I think they should take care of it. I just don't feel cut out for motherhood and think the kid should be adopted out.

Postpartum Blue

Dear Postpartum Blue,

Don't give up yet on motherhood. It sometimes takes a day or two to really get into things especially if you have had a tough time delivering the kid. Get some drugs for the pain. Even an aspirin will make you feel better. And you will feel much more like being a mom if you don't hurt. Have your owner milk out your udder so that it is not so engorged and painful. And have them feed the milk to the kid. It needs the good things in the milk right now. There are advantages to caring for the kid. It is, after all, the best for the kid. The kid gets fed the right thing at the right time. Having a kid to care for means that you have someone that really loves you. Even after they grow up, there is a bond that is not like any other in the herd. And the best part of nursing is the food including room service the first week or so. When you are nursing, you can eat to your heart's desire and not gain weight. So don't be in too much of a rush and give it a couple days more.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I sure hope you can help me with a "bad fur" problem I am having. I am a caramel yearling and this spring when I started to shed, I began to look like a patchwork quilt. My fur is dark on the sides, light on the top, and patchy in between. I try to eat a healthy diet. Is there something that I need to add? My owners brush me everyday but it doesn't seem to do any good. I am too embarrassed to even go out of the barn.

Motheaten in Molalla

Dear Motheaten,

The problem with your fur is nothing more than the fact that you are a caramel. Take a look at your individual hairs. Grey goats (like me) are a mix of grey, black, and white hairs. Each hair is one color the entire length. Caramels, on the other hand, have hairs that are dark (usually black) at the base and caramel on the top half. So when you rub, break off the hairs, or shed, the area looks a different color. Keep eating your good diet and have your owners continue to brush you. It won't be long until you are an even, beautiful caramel again. It is just going to take some time.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I am a yearling buck and by most standards I have a wonderful life. I have a nice cozy shelter, good food, and owners that visit twice a day. But I am all alone in my pasture. I can see the other goats next door when they are outside and we talk through the fence. But it is especially lonely in the winter when it rains and everyone is inside. I had a doe visit for about a week last month and it was sooo great. I couldn't help staying up all night talking. My food tasted better and my whole world seemed brighter. I wish there was a way I could have some company full time.

Lonesome Buck in Boring

Dear Lonesome Buck,

You poor dear. Goats are herd animals and it is not fair to keep one alone. Most girls want to go back to their doe friends after they become pregnant but there some alternatives that your owners could consider. The buck next to my pasture has a couple of older does that no longer can have kids. Granted they are a little slow and not very frisky, but they do make fine companions. And they are great to snuggle with on a cold winter's night. Some bucks I know have a wether or two for companionship. Even another buck (with your approval of course) would give you someone to hang out with. So hang in there, show this article to your owners, and hope they get the idea that even if you are a "stinky" (their words, not ours) buck, you deserve friends too.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

What do you think of the new ribbon colors they give the does at shows now? I was shocked when they changed colors. Do you think it will always be this way? Pink is just not a good color for me.

Not Pretty in Pink in Newberg

Dear Not Pretty in Pink,

Even though goats like to have things stay the same, I think humans get tired of the same thing over and over. So they change things for no real reason. Pink is an okay color for me. I actually can wear most colors. But some of my caramel friends have complained. I have to agree that pink is not a very flattering color for them. I think that the colors will change in the near future. Perhaps the humans that decide the colors will realize that not every doe can wear pink and will pick colors that are complimentary to all fur colors. I just heard recently that we are in for another "pink" year. So smile if you are lucky enough to win one, even if you don't like the color. Your owner will be ecstatic that you won and will probably hang it in the house so you don't have to stand next to it.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

We really appreciated your Christmas list last year. For the first time we did not get collars for Christmas. Have you any new ideas that we can pass along to our owners?

We've Been Good in Benton County

Dear Been Good,

A radio for the barn is a great Christmas gift idea. The one in my barn plays 24 hours a day. Of course we have to listen to the music that my owner likes. But she does switch it over to the "classical" channel when one of us is having kids. Having music playing all the time drowns out other noises and discourages any unwanted "beasts" from venturing into the barn. I have also found that owners spend 18% more time out at the barn when the radio is playing tunes that they like. And more time at the barn means more time for us, more pets for us, and more brushes for us. And it doesn't have to be a real expensive radio either, just something that plays tunes.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I was wondering why most nativity sets or pageants have lots of sheep and very few goats? After all, most of those shepherds had goats (and I suppose some sheep) in that part of the world. Surely people must realize that goats were there on the first Christmas.

Not Part of the Pageant in Portland

Dear Not Part of the Pageant,

What you say is very true. I have seen a few goats included in nativity sets and have heard of some pageants that included goats, but for the most part goats have been left out. I am not sure why this is so. It may have something to do with the "human" perception of sheep and goats. They think that those stupid sheep are all cute, cuddly, and lovable. Of course we know that they cannot hold a candle to most goats in those categories. But as long as the misconception exists, sheep will remain the "darlings" of the nativity. Perhaps we need some better public relations people. For those goats that have the opportunity to be part of a Christmas pageant, go for it and be a star. The rest of us know in our hearts that our ancestors were there on that first Christmas morning.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

My sister and I are moving to a home with people who have never had a Pygmy goat. There is no way for us to see our new home before we move in. We are afraid we will not have enough room to exercise and play. Our home now has a very large pasture area. How much pasture do you think would be adequate for the two of us to be happy goats?

Don't Fence Us In in Philomath

Dear Don't,

There really is no ideal size pasture. I happened to have a very large area. But some owners cannot give their goats nearly as much space. But knowing that Pygmy goats need lots of exercise to keep from getting bored, fat, and cranky, those owners can provide their goats with lots of safe and interesting exercise equipment. But it is nice to have a pasture large enough to have a shade tree and plenty of leaves and browse. I really like to relax in the shade on a hot summer day. And fresh browse in the summer is wonderful besides being very good for my rumen. So if your new pasture is not large enough for you and your sister to get enough exercise by doing laps around the pasture, have you new owner install some play equipment and get your exercise doing gymnastics.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I am a very handsome wether who is registered with NPGA. This year I won my first Champion Wether. I hope to do just as well in future shows. Does my owner have to tattoo or microchip me? Or can my owner just bring in my registration papers if I should win again? I really don't want to have to go through a tattoo or microchip if I don't have to.

No ID in Dayton

Dear No ID,

I was not sure about this so I contacted a friend who is shown a lot in the wether classes. It seems that champion wethers are now recognized at a national level. Cool! But you do need a permanent identification to do this. A microchip or tattoo is permanent identification showing who you are. While you don't need permanent identification to show in the wether classes, you do need it if you win Champion Wether and want to record that win on your papers. Without identification, the judge has no way of knowing if you are who you say you are. One recorded win and you are eligible to compete for "National Champion Wether" at the National Convention. One of the bucks at my farm competed at "nationals" and it was really special. While your owner may not want to take you to compete at "nationals" outside our region, the National Convention will be in our region in 2003. And this is something that you and your owner may want to do. But don't worry if you don't get that microchip or tattoo, if you win Champion Wether at a show, you will still get to keep all the ribbons and goodies they give you even if you do not have an ID. You are the show champion.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I get so tired of the rain during the winter that I am elated when summer actually arrives. No more dried food, no more cooped up in the barn, and lots of time outdoors. But I really have problems when it gets very hot. I just don't do well with the heat - I feel like I am going to melt. I want to enjoy my summer. What can I do to make the heat more bearable?

Too Hot in Toledo

Dear Too Hot,

I know what you mean about the heat. Summer is great but then it gets too hot and we are not really used to it. Here are a few ideas to help you "beat the heat" this summer.

Make sure you have a shady area out in the pasture. My barn is really warm late in the afternoon, and a shady spot in the pasture is usually the coolest place.

Stock up on some good books. During the hottest part of the day, make yourself comfy in the shade, relax, and read a good book. The less you run around the cooler you will be.

Drink lots of fresh cool water even if that means your owner has to fill your water container more than once a day.

Don't eat too much grain - especially the stuff with molasses in it. That stuff really starts to heat up in your rumen and will make you much warmer. You will be much cooler all day if you eat your big meal of the day in the evening once it has started to cool down.

Don't tease the bucks when it is really warn. Those guys don't know when to quit and are easily overheated. Even a little teasing when it is cool in the morning, can keep them jacked up all day.

Make sure to eat, travel, run errands, or any other stuff you have to do early in the morning or later in the evening when it is coolest. That way you have the rest of the day just to lay around in the shade, catch up on reading or napping, and stay cool.

If your owner offers to mist you with water, try to "grin and bear it". While it is an awful experience (after all who wants to get wet?), it really does help cool you down.

Although it is too late now to shed those extra pounds, it is something to think about for next year. If you are at all on the "chubby side", those extra pounds make getting through the summer heat much worse.

Try to enjoy the summer as much as possible. It won't be long until winter is here and we will be longing for those hot summer days.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I sure hope you can help me with a bad situation at my farm. I am a yearling doe and I am having some real problems with one of the older does in the herd. She is sooo mean. I didn't notice it much last year, but then my mom sort of stuck up for me. Now Mom has some new kids and I am pretty much on my own. It seems like this doe is always picking on me. She chases me out of the feed pan, she makes me move when I am at the hay feeder, and she always takes the very best place to sleep no matter who is there first. I am afraid to even look at her for fear she will chase me or butt at me. And I am not alone. She treats everybody but her own kids this way, especially us yearlings. I try to be nice, but it does no good. Who elected her queen?

Picked-on in Portland

Dear Picked-on,

Unfortunately the "top goat" in a herd of pygmy does is not elected democratically. This older doe is the matriarch of the herd and she got her position by being aggressive, well-established in the herd, and not afraid to make sure she gets her way. Her actions are intended to make you respect her and her position in the herd. And she will continue to hold this position as long as she can. But you can bet there are others in the herd plotting to topple her power. As a yearling you are too young to have a prominent position in the herd and too old to count on mom to stick up for you. For now you will just have to stay out of her way. I know it is hard in the winter when everyone is more confined and in close proximity to one another. But it won't be long until it is spring and the herd can be out in the pasture with plenty of space for everyone including her. Things should get better for you by next fall when you will be a little older and your status in the herd a little higher. But remember she is queen and as long as you treat her that way, you will get along fine.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

My herdmates and I are having an argument. Are you a real goat or just someone a "human" made up to get us goats to read the column?

Curious in Carver

Dear Curious,

Of course I am a real goat!!!!m Humans should not be writing advice for goats. That is why I decided it was time for someone to write from a goat's point of view. I am 4 years old and just had my third set of kids, a beautiful set of twins. I absolutely adore motherhood and all the extra food you get while you are nursing. Pass the chips and guacamole! I had a wonderful show career and my experiences have really helped me a lot in writing my column. Goat problems can be hard for humans to understand. We have a complex society and humans cannot always help with our special problems.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I feel so embarrassed about writing you, but I don't know who else to turn to. My owner decided to get an "infusion of caramel color" (since our herd is all grey) and sent me off to a neighboring herd to get bred. I didn't think too much about this until I saw him. He doesn't look a thing like the grey bucks at my house. He is repulsive looking. And he has an aggressive, overbearing personality. He's always sneaking up on me and chasing me around the pasture. I am so upset that I cannot eat. I feel like I am going to vomit if he evens gets close to me. All I want to do is go home. Will my owner realize that this is not the buck for me? Are all caramel bucks like this?

Homesick in Hood River

Dear Homesick,

Unfortunately, many owners don't realize that not "any" buck will do. We have preferences. The fact that this buck is caramel may be part of your problem. They do look different. But I have lived next to a very gentle, and I think very handsome, caramel buck all my life. So I know there are some nice ones out there. And this aggressive buck behavior can be very frightening. Some does like these very overbearing guys. Personally, I prefer a buck with a little more charm. You may be so upset that you won't get bred. Perhaps your owner can arrange a breeding with another, more laid-back buck. Having a herdmate go with you for moral support will certainly help. Hang in there and try to make the best of a bad situation.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

My herdmates and I are having a hard time with our owner. Every time one of us visits a buck and comes back to the doe pasture, our owner really complains about how we smell. We don't mind at all. In fact, we like that guy smell. But we have been threatened with baths in the middle of winter. We tolerate baths in the summer only because it's hot, but in the winter brrr! Is there something that can be done to help eliminate the buck odor so that our owner doesn't throw us in a bubble bath and give us all pneumonia?

Do-No-Wash in Washougal

Dear Do-Not-Wash,

I know it is hard to believe, but some owners simply cannot tolerate the smell of the bucks. Even though we don't mind getting some of his musk on us when we are visiting, they think we need to be cleaned up the minute we get back to the doe pasture. They don't seem to realize that we like the way our males smell. In fact, the other girls are usually jealous. And it goes away soon enough. There are a couple of things you can do that may keep you out of warm water. Remove and have your owner wash your collar if you were wearing one. Collars really seem to retain his smell. There are some "waterless" cleaning agents that your owner can purchase at farm or feed supply stores that will help eliminate and hide his lingering aroma. Perhaps your owner will "mellow out" in time. Just remind her/him how disgusting those human colognes are to us.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I sure hope you can help me. I know my owners think about me at Christmas time. They even play Christmas carols on the radio at the barn. But every year I get a collar from Santa for Christmas. Don't get me wrong, a collar is a great gift, for a dog. Besides, I only wear a collar for shows, so how many can one goat use? Perhaps, if you could list the things that goats "really" want for Christmas, my owner would read it and get some gift ideas. And maybe this year I might get something besides another collar from Santa.

Waiting for Santa in Salem

Dear Waiting,

You are not alone. I have heard from a lot of goats that would love to get something besides a collar for Christmas. So pay attention owners. Here's a list of things that goats really want for Christmas.

A doe in heat. This is number one on the list for bucks.

A doe, even if she is not in heat. Bucks love companionship and most figure that she will come into heat by New Year's Eve.

Bed the barn with nice, clean straw using twice as much as is necessary. That way the goats have clean bedding to snuggle in and good munchies to snack on.

New toys to play on. This is what most kids want. Anything from the more expensive "human kid" play toys to spools in various sizes. Just make sure that any holes are covered and the equipment is well inspected for safety. Goats love toys!

Put out one or two bales of straw. Everyone likes to climb, lounge, and eat on a bale of straw. Goats love to play "king of the mountain"!

Hang fir boughs from the feeders. This gives the barn a festive look and provides good munchies for days.

Pick up some oak, maple or cottonwood leaves on a dry day, store them in a dry area, and bring them out on Christmas morning. Such a Christmas feast!

Buy a complete set of bowls and buckets all in purple. These really dress up the pens at fairs and shows. And we all look good with the color purple.

If you buy a new brush, make sure it comes with lots of brushing time. Goats love to be brushed.

Christmas morning can almost be guaranteed to be cold and miserable in our area. Bring out a nice big bucket of warm water on Christmas morning. There is no better way to say "Merry Christmas, I love you".

I sure hope this helps and that you get what you are wishing for from Santa. Have a wonderful Christmas!

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I just don't know what to do! My twin kids are six weeks old and driving me crazy. They are either demanding food or getting into trouble. I never have a minute's peace. When can I wean them? I really need some time for me!

Maxed Out in Monmouth

Dear Maxed,

Six weeks is a hard age, but you have to hang in there. The kids need you for at least another 3 or 4 weeks. After that, they will be okay out on their own and you won't feel like you have to give into them every time they ask for something or call for help. I know that it seems like a long time, but things will get better. My twins were difficult at six weeks, but my daughter is now a good friend and companion.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I'm a yearling doe and my owner wants me to get pregnant. What do I look for in a buck? I've never done this kind of thing before and I worry that I won't make the right choice.

Sleepless in Salem

Dear Sleepless,

The main thing I look for in a guy is his genes. After all, I want my kids to get good, strong genetics not only from me but from him, too. And I want them to compliment my genetics. Sure, its nice if he's good-looking, has a great personality, and lots of purple ribbons, but he's got to be a good genetic package. And I would also be concerned about the size of his kids. It can really be a pain in the derriere at kidding time if he makes big babies. Try to relax. Remember, your not marrying him and there's always next time.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

This fall my sister, two of my barnmates, and I spent a month with a buck. He was very romantic, gentle, not aggressive and oh, so handsome. He was very attentive to us all, but I must admit I felt as though he favored me somewhat. When we left his farm, he assured me that he would keep in touch.

Well, Valentine's Day has come and gone and I have heard nothing. I realize that my buck friend had many does come and stay with him this year and it would nearly be impossible for him to correspond with all of them. However, I thought he would at least send a card to all of us in my barn. Now I'm beginning to feel like I was a one-night stand. I am now pregnant by him, as are my barnmates. We are all feeling fat and unattractive and are a tad grouchy. Our owner has tried to make excuses for him, but I think she is just being kind. I really thought this guy was different. Maybe I'm just more sensitive than others. I'm feeling so blue, so used, and so UGLY!!!

Yearning in Yacolt

Dear Yearning,

Either he gave you a real snow job or your mom didn't fill you in on what bucks are really like. They just live for the moment. He can't help it, they are just made that way. All of the family and caring stuff is left up to us does. You have to get over feeling that he used you. Think of it more like you used him. You wanted babies and a good time. And it sounds like you got all that and more. Besides if he is as good-looking as you say he is, then think of the great genetics you got from him for your kids.

I know how hard it is to feel pretty when you are pregnant especially in the winter when the days are short and wet. Get out for some exercise on the nicer days. The exercise will be good for you as well as improve your attitude. Have your owner trim your feet so it's easier to walk with those extra pounds. And after they are trimmed, you and your barnmates can try out one of the new colors of hoof polish. I always feel better after a pedicure. Remember, it won't be long until your kids arrive, and they will make it all worthwhile.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I heard you have a new kid. Don't you miss the glitz and glamour of the show ring now that you stay home full time?

Curious in Kalama

Dear Curious,

Yes, I have a beautiful new kid whom I absolutely adore. And no, I don't miss all the attention of going to shows. Don't get me wrong, it was a blast while it lasted. But I felt it was time to move on. Sitting here in my robe and bunny slippers, I can't think of anything else that I would rather be doing. Besides, I really enjoy the food. When I was showing, I had to watch everything I ate. Any extra weight really shows in the ring. Without having kids, I would have to be on a constant diet or face the consequences. When I'm nursing, I stay really fit no matter how much I eat. It's great!

I have been going to a few shows with the kids. I think it is important to go with them for the first few shows so that they have some guidance and aren't so intimidated by it all. Besides it gives me a chance to catch up with old friends.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I really need some serious help with my weight problem. I didn't realize how "chubby" I had gotten over the winter. And at the last show the judge mentioned my "conditioning" and placed me lower in the class. I was so embarrassed!!! But I love to eat, especially alfalfa. And I have a real sweet tooth. I just can't seem help myself. I want to get pregnant this fall. So I know I have to do something this summer.

Porked-out in Portland

Dear Porked-out,

You and your owner are going to have to take charge of your eating habits. It's not easy, but you will be so much better off especially if you are planning on getting pregnant.

First of all, cut down on the alfalfa. Think of it as more of a condiment rather than a meal. Alfalfa is not only high in calories, it's high in calcium (which is great if you are nursing kids, which you are not). But obesity and long-term high calcium intake can lead to arthritis later in life. Just a little, mixed with your grass hay, will give a nice flavor, but will not add substantially to your weight problem.

Swear off any feed with molasses in it. They only put it in the feed to make us eat more. Which is the last thing you need to do. You'll get so you like the "natural" taste of the grain without all that sweet cover-up. Molasses not only adds extra calories, it is not good for your rumen.

Go for long walks in the pasture. This will burn calories, tone your muscles, and help keep your mind off eating something that you shouldn't. Besides, the browse you find out there will do wonderful things for you and your rumen.

Don't get discouraged. It is going to take a little time to take off those extra pounds. But you can do it.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

My mother and I have been so close since I was born a little over a year ago. We did everything together. Now she has a new set of twins and acts like she doesn't even know I exist. I know I should love my new bother and sister, but I could just "biff' them when they go past. I feel so left-out and alone. What am I going to do?

Left-out in Olympia

Dear Left-out,

It's only natural for you to feel jealous and a little lonely right now. But look at it from your mother's perspective. She has two new kids that really need a lot of care and attention. She pretty much has to do everything for them right now. It won't be long until they won't demand every minute of her time. Then she can relax more and take some personal time. And do more with you.

Why don't you start hanging out with some of the other yearlings especially those with the same problem. These new friends can get you through until your mother is not so pre-occupied. She still loves you, but her new kids need all of her time right now. Cuddle up next to her and the twins at night. And when the new kids are old enough to go out in the pasture, tag along with your mom. You are still a family, just a bigger one.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

My owner just purchased a new buck. Word around the farm is that he has some sort of "implant". He looks and acts pretty normal (for a buck). But I am worried that this "implant" could be dangerous or make him act weird. He is housed in the pen right next to mine, and I am leery of getting anywhere near him. Have you heard anything about these goats with "implants"?

Paranoid in Pendleton

Dear Paranoid,

I can understand your concern, but this sounds like the new buck at your farm has a microchip implanted for purposes of identification. I don't personally have one, but several of the goats around here do, including some of the kids. As I understand it, a tiny computer chip is placed under the goat's skin that transmits the identification number of the goat. It is used much like a tattoo would be for identification. But the microchip is supposed to be so much easier and much less hassle for the goat. With a tattoo, when a goat is crowned "king" or "queen" of the show, several people jump on the goat and do a body search in the most private places for the tattoo. How embarrassing!!! But with microchip identification, a special box is waved over the goat, and the identification number appears without even getting a hair out of place. So don't worry about the "implant". It's a good thing.

Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,

I am a three month old doeling and I feel like my whole world is falling apart. Until now, I was cute, round, compact, and adorable. Then all of a sudden my neck and legs began growing longer everyday. In fact, I think I must be growing almost hourly. I feel just like Alice in Wonderland. I just hate my body! Even my fur looks dull. My owner used to tell me how cute I was, but now she just shakes her head. What am I going to do? Will I ever be adorable again? Why is this happening to me?

Almost Alice in Wonderland

Dear Almost Alice,

Don't despair. You are going through a normal growth phase. But you are not growing evenly. It will take I to 2 months (or maybe longer) for the rest of you to catch up with your neck and legs. Some lines of goats have a particularly long period when the body seems to grow at very uneven rates. T these lines are considered "slow maturing". While it is really hard to deal with at the time, this slower maturation process may be better in the end.

Another thing that may be making you feel and look particularly unattractive right now is that your hair coat is changing from fuzzy baby hair to a sleeker, adult coat. T his hair change can actually accentuate the long legs and neck. Be sure you keep eating a good diet, remain parasite free, and keep a good attitude. This will make these "growies" pass sooner than you or your owner think. If you started out adorable, chances are that when you are through this growth phase, you'll be that way again.

Jocelyn P.S. Expect another Alice in Wonderland experience when you are about a year old.